Back to the Grindstone

So, I went back to work yesterday. It is amazing how fast almost 7 months goes. I think its the longest I have gone without income (save for those handy disability checks) in 15 or 16 years. First off, I have to give huge props to BVZ for taking on the responsibility of financially providing for all 3 of us. We are a solid two income family (that bay area mortgage and all), and with the tanking economy (I don't even look at our investment statements anymore), I know it has been stressful for him. I also want to acknowledge how lucky I am to have a job that let me take so much time off and is letting me come back at only 50% time. I know lots of people don't have that option, and so I am very grateful that I do.

We are in a nanny share arrangement with another family. The other little girl is Ayana, and she is 11 months old (although she is very petite, so she and Norah are about the same size). Ayana walks (almost) and talks (in her own language) and is a great playmate for Norah. Their nanny is Manju. She is from Nepal and has two kids of her own. She is gentle and kind and Norah likes her a lot. For the first month we'll be taking Norah over to Ayana's house and then in March Ayana will come to our house.

It went as well as could be expected yesterday. I took her over there in the morning (usually BVZ will take her), and she immediately started playing with Ayana's toys. I am not sure she even noticed that I left. But, she apparently figured it out a bit later because the report I got was that there was a whole lot of crying yesterday (and Norah isn't a crier, so I know she was upset). She also didn't eat very much, which concerns me a great deal. I think in the 7.5 hours I was gone she only had 7 ozs of milk. She doesn't get a bottle very often, but when she does get one she does okay with it, so I am not sure what the problem is. We'll see how it goes on Thursday and then re-evaluate based on how she's doing. She has to eat. The consequence of her not eating yesterday was that she wanted to eat all. night. long. She's been sleeping from 7:00 pm to 6:00 am for the past week or so (I haven't said anything because I haven't wanted to jinx it), so last night was rough for both of us (basically I brought her back to bed with us about 1:00 am and she nursed off and on for the next 5 hours).

She has been very clingy today and won't let me out of her sight. She completely melted down when I tried to put her down for a nap, so now she is sleeping in our bed and I am right there next to her with the computer. Every 5 minutes or so she sleepily opens one eye to make sure I am there. It is breaking my heart a little.

As for me, the return was very smooth. I am driving into the city instead of taking the train like I used to (the train is too unreliable--last year it hit on average one person a month. I have been on a train that hit someone before, and despite the fact that the loss of any human life is devastating, it delays service for sometimes up to 3 hours. I can't be stuck on a train with Norah waiting for me). So, I am driving. I am taking 280 instead of 101, so I was at work in just about 35 minutes (the good news). The bad news is that there is all kinds of construction going on around my office and the parking lot that used to be $13 is now $18. That's a big and annoying difference.

Everyone at work was very glad to see me. I have a new office with a big window and nice view (before I had an interior office), which makes a world of difference. I only cried once. I made anyone who stopped by look through lots of pictures of Norah. I didn't do much other than delete emails and voice mails and move stuff from my old office to my new one. I did go to a brainstorm for a colleague, and I will admit that I had a bit of a panic when I tried to review the materials she sent out. Words like 'Miranda' and 'voluntary confession' and 'coercion' weren't making sense in my head at all. But, 20 minutes into the brainstorm and I felt like I could think again. It was really nice to feel connected again. I think the biggest struggle is going to be truly limiting my time to 50%, which is going to mean admitting there are cases and projects I just can't work on. It will take a while for everyone else to get used to it. Pumping at work was not fun. Even with a private office it was weird and awkward (I had a 'do not disturb' sign on my door, but it doesn't lock). I was planning on doing it at least 3 times a day, but now I think I will be lucky if I am able to do it twice.

I really like my job and I have worked hard to get it, so I am really hoping this will be the best of both worlds. It will be an adjustment for everyone, but I am confident it is the right decision for us all. For those moms who go back full time, I always thought you were amazing, but now I think you are downright heroic. The next time I see you, drinks are on me.