The Feeding of a King

I have written before about my love/hate relationship with breastfeeding Norah. I loved the fact that it was the best possible nutrition for her, and I hated....well, just about everything else. I hated how ridiculously PAINFUL it was, how difficult it was on an on-going basis, how it was a struggle every.single.damn.day. I hated how I was 100% responsible for her very survival, how I was the only one who could do middle of the night feedings, how we had to time our excursions away from the house based on when she would need to eat (she could only successfully nurse at home, in a quiet environment). I hated the thousands of dollars we spent on lactation consultants, pumps, special pillows, herbs to increase supply, and book after book on how to make it work. I hated how after 9 months of pregnancy I still couldn't eat what I wanted, drink what I wanted, or take medication that I needed. I never felt the closeness with her that nursing brings most moms and their babies because she was SO difficult. I felt much more connected to her when we read stories, sang songs, or interacted in other ways. We did it for 10 months and it was a very, very long 10 months.

So, I have to admit that the breastfeeding was the part of parenthood the second time around that I was dreading the most. Be careful what you wish for, I suppose.

As soon as Louis was born, BVZ went with him to the nursery where he was checked out by the resident pediatrician. When I got to see them again, BVZ casually mentioned that the pediatrician said that Lou had a tongue tie that would most likely need to be clipped. There is a small piece of tissue, called a frenulum, that connects the tongue to the bottom of the mouth. When it is too tight it restricts the mobility of the tongue and the baby is considered to be tongue tied. On his second day of life the pediatrician clipped his frenulum at my bedside (it was a quick, seemingly painless procedure) and we thought we were in the clear. He could latch somewhat, but it was very shallow (ie, very painful for me) and he never seemed to be able to make a good connection. We continued to try and I pumped the entire time we were in the hospital and fed him the colostrum with a plastic syringe.

Once we got home he continued to have latching problems. He just couldn't make it work. We got home on Friday and on Sunday we had a home visit from the lactation consultant we had used, and loved, with Norah. It was her opinion that he still had a significantly thick frenulum and it needed to be clipped more. She gave us some other tips, but we were confident further clipping would solve the problem. I was pumping the entire time and we were starting to use bottles for his feedings. Unfortunately, my right breast developed a deep and painful clogged duct, which only added to my recovery misery.

On Monday, we went to the pediatrician for Louis' one week check up and she did a thorough examination of his mouth. She agreed that he was still tongue tied and the problem was significant. However, she also believed that further clipping would be detrimental and could potentially adversely affect his speech later in life. She routinely does clippings (some pediatricians won't), but she said she wouldn't do it on Lou and if we wanted it done we would have to seek out an ENT (ear, nose and throat specialist). She gave us a few referrals, but was of the mind that breastfeeding wasn't nearly as important as protecting his speech. We couldn't agree more.

The bottom line is, latching is something Louis might be able to learn in time as his mouth matures, but there is no guarantee. He could get it in 10 weeks, 6 months, or never. It is an unbelievable time commitment to pump full time. I am doing it now because BVZ is home from work and Bubby is here. Once I have either or both of the kids myself there is just no way it is going to happen. My sanity can't take it, and apparently neither can my body. By Thursday morning my sore right breast had developed a full fledged case of mastitis. I don't remember when I was quite so sick. Mastitis causes extreme localized pain in the affected breast, but also a systemic reaction that is very similar to a severe flu-high fever, chills, body aches, and generalized malaise. I am on a serious antibiotic and on the road to recovery, but I was really down for the count for about 48 hours. BVZ and Bubby are saints.

I don't know what we are going to do from here. My original plan had been to pump as long as I could take it and then switch to formula full time. That might happen sooner rather than later, depending on if I can get this mastitis to heal (I need a baby to get out the clog, and since I don't have one that can do it I have to rely on the pump-which is no where near as effective). He has been getting about 75% breast milk/25% formula, and we can definitely tell the difference when he has formula-he is way more agitated and gassy. I think it will resolve itself once his digestive system matures a bit, but I would like to be able to still give him breast milk while that happens.

I am completely okay with Louis being a formula fed kid. I think it is more important that he 1) can talk, and 2) has a sane mom. I would be lying if I said I wasn't even the slightest bit relieved to be 'off the hook' so to speak. The ironic thing is that I have a great supply. Out of the non-infected breast I am able to pump a ton of milk-something I could never say before. Everyone keeps telling me that it isn't my fault, and I agree. It is totally Louis fault. (Just kidding, Louie.)

That being said, I have still had multiple breakdowns about the whole thing. These post-partum hormones are no joke. I have burst into tears at, including but not limited to, the following places:

• The hospital
• The pediatrician's office
• My OB's office (while getting the antibiotic prescription)
• The Safeway pharmacy
• Target
• My bedroom
• The living room
• The baby's room
• The bathroom
• The backyard
• While walking around the block

Poor BVZ isn't sure what to do with me. As soon as Lou's little tummy adjusts I know I will be totally on board. Just cross your fingers that happens sooner rather than later.

In the meantime, check out a handful of cute pictures from the past couple of days. He's a heart breaker, for sure.